I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around,
and don't let anybody tell you different

-Kurt Vonnegut

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Saturday, March 12, 2005

Prophecy of the Onion

I don't need to tell you how brilliant (to use a very British term) The Onion is; I've done it before, and you all should know it by now.

What I am going to do is tell you that those good folks at what they rightly call 'America's Finest News Source' might, in addition to being highly intelligent humourists, soon prove to be prophets. Time will tell...

The Onion: Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy: 'We'll Go Through Iran'

(...)Bush said the U.S. Army, which deposed Iran's longtime enemy Saddam Hussein, should be welcomed with open arms by the Islamic-fundamentalist state.

"And Iran's so nearby," Bush said. "It's only a hop, skip, and a jump to the east."


"The fact is, we've accomplished our goals in Iraq," said General George Casey, the commander of coalition forces in the Iraqi theater. "Now, it's time to bring our men and women home—via Iran."


"The plan also includes a minor stopover for refueling and provisional replenishment in Syria," Casey said. "But I don't expect we'll need more than 50,000 additional troops for that stretch of the Iraq pullout."


Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Hoseini-Khamenei welcomed the exit plan.

"Let the Allied armies come to Iran," Khamenei said. "I believe I can assure you that, if they do withdraw here, their brothers-in-arms in the Islamic Republican Army, the Revolutionary Guards Corps, the Quds special forces units, and the Basij Popular Mobilization Army will no doubt do everything they can to make the troops' trip back home memorable."

Also in this week's edition: Reality TV, Reality Unfair to Blacks

According to a study released Monday by the Center for Media and Social Research, the reality-TV genre is unfairly biased against black people. The study revealed that reality is unfair to blacks, as well.


The study [detailed the story of] Chicago resident Shonalda Brown, 11, who has lived in crime-ridden public housing her entire life, and was raped at the age of 5.

"Like reality TV, reality is a discriminatory institution that is unfair to the black community," [study director Simon] Rosemead said. "Only 14 percent of the black population has a bachelor's degree, and there has never been a black bachelor on TV's The Bachelor."

What the hell are you waiting for? Subscribe to The Onion's newsletter already ("It's like having an e-mail friend who won't write back"!).

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